


The Taste of New Found Freedom

by Ilsa_Faust



Category: Fallout - Fandom, Mission Impossible : Fallout, Mission: Impossible, Mission: Impossible (Movies), Mission: Impossible (Movies) RPF
Genre: Angst, Dark, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Romance, F/M, Pain, Romance, Secrets
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-19
Updated: 2018-09-29
Packaged: 2019-06-29 10:17:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 15,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15727389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ilsa_Faust/pseuds/Ilsa_Faust
Summary: Some decisions cause not only your profession to change, but the purpose of your entire life. For Ilsa Faust that was their Kashmir mission. What happened after that was something no one saw coming.Mission Impossible Fallout Spoilers.





	1. The Settling of the Chill

Chapter 1: The Settling of the Chill

Ilsa Faust rest her back against a semi-comfortable bed at the camp. Praying that sleep would soon overtake the shock, and get her some much desired rest. Her whole body ached, some from the torture, some from jumping of continents, but mostly from a surge of uncertainty that simmered through her. Not that it was anything unusual. It just hadn’t happened in a while. Searching for Lane had become her sole purpose. After all, it was her bargain to once again prove her loyalty to her country. But somewhere along the way someone had managed to creep into her mission. And even though it wasn’t all, but the thought of acknowledging him would burden her heart in ways she had never anticipated before. 

It had only been two days since Ethan had been brought back to the medical camp. It was ironic that the camp was even there in the first place, yet Lane’s sick dystopia played some comfort after they had deactivated the bomb. Ilsa had only managed to see Ethan once while he was awake. For her own sake she would say. But she feared if she had stayed any longer she would be revealing far too much, and for that it was neither the right time, nor the right place. Instead, she preferred to guard over him at night. The chair next to his bed became her resting stop for the few hours right before dawn. He would be sound asleep from the drugs and the sheer exhaustion the past few events. And that eased her mind that he wouldn’t see her while she was around him. She just wanted to sit back and take it all in, and without actually having to face him. Maybe even just allow herself a moment worth cherishing, for a life she couldn’t even define. 

She wasn’t even sure where she stood in her own life anymore. Lane was going back to MI6, so did it mean that she was still hired by them? Those conversations weren’t far away, and very soon she would have to face them. That would also mean to leave everyone in her newly formed family behind. This was the job after all. 

By the third day when Ilsa refused to show up to actually meet Ethan, he had become paranoid. Not just for her sake, but for his selfish reasons too. He didn’t want her to leave just yet, not before he had told her how he truly felt about her. After that she would be free to make her own decision. Even though Benji and Luther refused to leave Ethan before he had recovered fully, they too noticed Ilsa’s odd behaviour. Ethan also knew that both of them knew that he wanted to see her, yet neither of them said a word of why she hadn’t come all this while. So on the third morning when Julia came to check up on his recovery, he made sure to ask.  
“This may be a little awkward, but can you please send Ilsa to come and see me?” Ethan politely asked.  
She slightly chuckled at first, but looked up from her papers to meet his eyes.  
“Not awkward at all.” She paused before speaking again.  
“I am happy now Ethan, and I want that for you as well.”  
Julia placed the clipboard back at the edge of the bed to move closer to him.  
“You care about her, so make sure you tell her that as well.” She said smiling at him while he simply rolled his eyes at her.  
They sat there in silence for a few minutes. She examined him and saw significant improvement in his condition, hoping he could stay in the bed for a few more days before the world decided that they needed Ethan Hunt once again.  
He watched her in gratitude, and then gently asked her to sit on his bed.  
“Thank you for everything you’ve done for me, not just for now, but always. If I hadn’t met you, I would’ve never understood the fear of loosing something.”  
She smiled back at him once again, and then handed him a set of tablets to take. Getting up from his bed she walked towards the door and slowly turned to correct him on what he had just said.  
“Its not the fear of loosing something Ethan, it’s the fear of loosing someone. And… you’re always welcome.” She finished before leaving. 

***

Ilsa had made sure not to stay put in one area of the camp, Benji and Luther had tried hard enough to get her to see Ethan but she knew she couldn’t keep saying no. It had already been five days since she spoke to him, and Julia’s plea hadn’t changed her heart either. She was restless for sure, but she had been thinking about her future, and more importantly planning the next step. She was done with this life, and now she wanted out for good. And that also meant with Ethan Hunt as well. But for now she needed to focus on her upcoming meeting in London with the MI6. She didn’t care of about being brought back in anymore, as long as she got a safe passage out. This world would always need saving, and now she was truly done with it. 

The winter chill of Kashmir could certainly be felt, yet nothing felt better than just walking across its rugged surface. She laughed inwardly as she aimlessly wondered. She had only realised that how confused she truly felt for the first time in her life. She had once been in love before, and if anything the end of that story had taught her was to always stay away from it. But that didn’t stop her from pondering or dreaming.  
From one end of the camp to the far end of the valley she aimlessly walked for hours. She could feel herself cutting across the wind and letting her aching muscles just breath. Hopefully also help her fall asleep, just before she left Kashmir for good. 

Feeling the slight breathlessness from the high altitude, Ilsa climbed up the stairs to lock herself in her allocated room and prepare for her next steps. She needed to time when and how to leave the vicinity, but mostly because she feared of doing something irrational right before she left. Unlocking her door and shutting it at once, she walked across to the corner cupboards. Her bags were already packed with the little belongings she had brought, with most importantly her IDs to get out of India. All awhile she was completely unaware of the man that was standing right behind her. 

Ethan claimed to be a man of his words, and he didn’t like being ignored if he asked for something. He had given her enough opportunities to come and see him, yet her lack of response left him no choice but to see her himself. With one swift hand he reached for her wrist just before her’s could reach the handles, and then seamlessly he had her pinned up against the very same cupboard. Taking her completely by surprise. 

Normally Isla would react only one way to an attack like that, by simply disassembling whoever or whatever was in front of her. But the second she caught Ethan’s prickled eyes, her body refused to attack him. It wasn’t conscious due to his healing injuries, instead it was subconscious because she herself couldn’t hurt him no matter what. She didn’t know how long they had continued to seep into each other, but it felt like time truly had stopped. Just before she had said anything Ethan decided to break their spell.  
“I’ve been wanting to see you.”  
She blinked at first, and then tried to look at him again.  
“I’m sorry. I’ve had a lot on my mind. How are you feeling now?”  
Ethan relaxed a little from her tone, let go of her, and yet pulled her forward to him instead.  
“Better, considering how things went down. How are you recovering? Benji told me what happened with Lane. He says he owes his life to you.”  
She felt relieved that he wasn’t constraining her in his arms, at least anymore. It just made her more irrational than anything.  
She walked past him towards the bed and just sat down in relief, her eyes still not sure where to look at while she spoke to him.  
“I’m getting there, but Benji did have a close call. I should be all good in a week or so. I still need to figure things out with the MI6, but I’ll get to that.” That part wasn’t a lie, just not the complete truth. Finally looking back up at him.  
Ethan followed her to the bed and sat right next to her, closing all the distance between them once again. He slowly turned her face towards him, motioning her eyes to come up and greet his. Like they had always done before.  
He waited a little for her to say something, or just react to his presence, but got nothing out of her. Gosh, he thought. She could be so cold when he didn’t need her to be.  
“I couldn’t have gotten this wrong Ilsa.” He waited a while before speaking again. “I don’t get involved with other agents every day. I don’t start anything with anyone that I don’t intend to keep. I just need to know from you that this isn’t one sided. Because if this is, then I’m really sorry and I should really leave.” 

Something about the word leave she couldn’t really take, so she hastily slid her hands onto his neck to reassure him in some way. Making sure that her eyes would speak before words were even uttered.  
“Why didn’t you just come and see me? The truth, please this time Ilsa.” He asked once again.  
The truth was something she couldn’t exactly understand herself so what would she tell him. It was complicated.  
“I was once in love before.” She said, after another period of silence.  
“Just like you were once with Julia.” Not removing her hands from Ethan’s neck she closed her eyes. He was radiating so much warmth that all she wished was to be laying there in silence with him. He was the fear that made her irrational.  
“What happened?” Ethan asked, his eyes curious to dig for more.  
She opened her eyes, remembering the once love of her life Mathew. A name she refused to use anymore.  
“He was tracked, and then killed by a rouge group. At the time I was officially with the MI6. They said it was to teach me a lesson. I suppose I learned it and stayed away from a mistake like that ever again.” Her eyes almost softened for the first time, and Ethan couldn’t help but see her pain. After all it was his biggest fear when he was with Julia.  
“You and me aren’t that different Ilsa. You once asked me to come away with you, and you hardly knew me then. But I do know that every fibre in your body that day wanted to. So now I am asking you, Ilsa, come with me instead?”  
She wasn’t at all taken by surprise with his question. In fact it was the one thing she knew he would ask her. But it was also the reason why she didn’t want to be with him.

Instead of answering the way Ethan had asked that question she did something entirely selfish. She pressed her lips against his, leaving a trail with her hand down from his neck to the upper most button of his shirt. And then Ethan didn’t think twice about anymore questions or answers, for him it had all had been answered or at least he had thought. He didn’t waste any time to deepen her kiss, and then naturally took over what Ilsa had started. 

That night in a very long time could Ethan Hunt proudly say that he had truly made love to a woman. He had shown her in every which way that he would worship her from now on, and all he needed was her presence in return. Late into the evening when Ethan was truly in a deep sleep did Isla stir out his grasp as well as the bed. She dressed immediately and carefully, and then lifted her packed bags from the cupboard that she had intended to earlier in the day. She gave one final look to Ethan before stepping out, glad that his medication and fatigue was the only reason she could leave so easily, but also burdened with a heavy heart about someone she had come to love. Her jeep was waiting as per her demand, preparing herself for the drive into the late hours of night. Her contact at the British intelligence had agreed to fly her back from the airport, specifically to negotiate her exit terms. Something now she wasn’t going to back down from at any cost. 

 

***

3 Months later

In the heart of the Swiss Alpines amidst a small village called Andermatt lived an Ex-MI6 Spy. With a new identity and a new life she walked down the streets in a fear she had never even considered a possibility. Her terms had been negotiated with her ex-employer, and her identity had been restored, in some form of the original anyway. She was paid her settlement for her services, and also cleaned of any existing taints that she didn’t want. All in return for her silence, and an empty IMF allegiance that would be used as a keep safe. 

Her choice to settle in Switzerland was almost poetic, neutral in stance, but still spectator to the world’s horrors. She walked across her driveway and unlocked her doors, wishing a nice meal to end her day. Her evening walk didn’t help her growing problem, and she wasn’t sure if anything ever would at this very moment, but maybe sleep could. Just as her living room lights adjusted, the man she had sworn to leave behind was once again in front of her. Comfortably sat on her coffee chair, with an almost amused smirk at her staged escape from Kashmir. But only almost. Three months of rigorous searching and contacts among the IMF and MI6 had surely narrowed it down. Though he had to give it to her, it wasn't easy. The wrong trails she had set up would make it impossible for any other human or even spy to locate her, just not him. 

He didn’t wait to be invited, nor wait to make himself the cup of coffee that he was already sipping. Eying her from the door he did make sure that he would settle a few things left unsettled in Kashmir. For example, the need to lie to him. “I don’t like being deceived in any way Ilsa, If you had wanted me gone all you had to do was say so.”  
Ilsa felt a flush creep up on her cheeks, but didn’t understand his need for any more closure. Especially because now there wouldn’t be any left to give. 

“I’m three months pregnant Ethan.” And with that she had set their stage on fire, much like the one Ethan had already started in her living room without her permission.


	2. Cut with a knife

Chapter 2 : Cut with a knife

To say that Ethan’s mind had become instantly numb would have been a serious understatement. There were a million things he had expected to see or happen upon meeting Ilsa. But the news she had dropped seconds ago was something he could not have ever been imagined. A pin drop silence was immediately cast between the two of them, and the only sound that was left to travel in the room was the flickering fire. 

Ilsa could’ve chosen a million ways to tell Ethan the news, but she disregarded all of them. She didn’t really believe he would find her, neither did she believe that she ever had to deliver the news in the first place. It was all purely out of emotion, and maybe even anger that she stated it as it is. Anger because she didn’t like being threatened the way Ethan did by breaking into her house and demanding some sort of explanation. And emotion, because this scenario was never a possibility for her. They had both been in the business long enough to know the game as well as the rules. 

After the next few seconds that passed she walked further into the room and placed her keys and bag at their usual places in a mundane fashion. Then she came over to where Ethan was seated and took to the couch right next to him. But unlike him facing her, she faced the burning fire. Her eyes bore into the flames while his still searched for her.   
He swallowed before asking the next question, not sure if he even wanted to know. “Were you ever planning on telling me this if I hadn’t found you?” Asking a little too seethingly.   
He was slowly starting to feel the gravity of what she had just told him.  
She continued to stare at the burning fire, but also knew she had to start giving answers to him. Answers that Ethan may not want to hear.   
“No.” She said.  
At this point Ethan’s tolerant and patient demeanour had started to tremble. He had been much calmer during interrogations and torture, but this was starting to enrage him. And the last person who needed to experience that was Ilsa.   
“Then what were you planning to do?” He flatly asked.   
She spoke again in the same monotonous manner.  
“I don’t know. I had never planned on this happening.” Still not looking at him she titled her head back onto the headrest, “and I’m still not sure what to do.” Her body felt like giving up, but she didn’t want Ethan Hunt to witness any of it. She had already had a hard life, she didn't need any more judgment. 

But by this point Ethan had also reached his limit. He couldn’t take it anymore, and he wasn’t planning on playing this charade with her for a second longer. He stood up without a warning and blasted off the built-up venom inside of him. Giving her no time to react.   
“Why couldn’t you just be honest with me in the first place when you left Kashmir? Why confuse me to think that you cared so that I would end up running around half the world to find you?” His volume grew louder and her eyes were forced to turn towards him.  
“I asked you that night if this was one sided. Why not just say yes and end things with me! How dare you use me like me that. If I wanted to fuck around, trust me when I say this there really isn’t a shortage of any kind.” 

His lash out was enough to break Ilsa’s stiff composure, because inwardly she knew he was right. She indeed had no right to give him mixed signals that night. It was entirely selfish period.   
“I’m sorry,” was all she uttered. Her eyes prickled and maybe Ethan saw them glisten slightly. Ilsa knew she had been involved in much worse situations in her life in comparison to this turmoil she had created with Ethan. Yet, betraying good people had never felt good, not for any job she had done. Their profession came with some principals, even when their institutions failed them, it was up to them to uphold their values. Deceiving Ethan went completely against that. Knowing well that he had to let go of the woman he loved purely for her safety, he was no man that would ever deviate from the right thing or right decision. Being insincere to someone like him was truly a matter of shame. 

Ethan couldn’t say if ever had come across a woman like Ilsa before. She wasn’t cold as a human being by any means, but her facade would always make everyone feel like that. She was either the most loyal person in your team, or the most deceptive enemy you find, and that never made quite the sense to Ethan. After their encounter in Paris he knew one thing for sure, and that was that Ilsa wasn’t capable of hurting him ever, at least not intentionally. She had had multiple opportunities before then, and many after to hurt him, but her choice had always been to save him. And that would always reassure him that they were indeed the same, justice was all that mattered to them.   
Lowering his tone he asked again, “do you have any idea the effort it took to find you? And don’t think that we don’t know how you only got Lane traded for your bargain, we do know that you also took all his stored hard-drives from the camp as well.” Her eyes immediately shot up at his knowledge of the information. She was sure not to leave any trails behind. 

He was obviously right, she didn’t just get Lane sent back to MI6 but she also made sure to extract all his useful resources that were buried at the site as well. While everyone was busy searching for Ethan she had gotten to work to clear out any remnants of Lane’s possessions before the CIA had landed there. Possessions that Walker had been keeping on the CIA, which the Americans would have wanted complete locks and seals on. Securing her safe passage had to come at a price. It wasn’t as if she had traded it to the Russians, this way the balance of power would be equal, not as if she had a choice in the matter anyway.

If Ethan had planned on interrogating her then he was surely succeeding. She was emotionally drained with a serious fatigue taking over her body. She didn’t know what his end goal was out of this meeting because if he planned to bring in the CIA the chance of them ever seeing each other would be close to 0. The CIA would themselves want to know what Walker had retrieved on them, and the level of information that was currently in the hands of the MI6. She would become their dispensable resource, up for sale once done with, or if ever done with at all.

All Ilsa had ever wanted was to leave her past behind, and live somewhat a secluded yet normal life. She held onto the time with Mathew, the life she wished she had with him. And even if now living in Andermatt was not a part of her plan, day in and out she would come to believe it was. And that was all that mattered. The discovery of the pregnancy was a whole different story, something that was only news to her recently. Still, she wanted the privacy of her life to make her decisions, something Ethan wasn’t making anywhere near a reality. 

Not knowing how long they both had stayed like that had eventually taken a toll on Ilsa. Her temples had built up a pulsating migraine, which was only growing more rapid with every passing minute. Eventually pushing her into an excruciating pain that overtook her sensory system. Her vision slowly became overlayed with a cloudy haze, and before she knew it her body had tilted towards the armrest at an unusually rapid rate. Not knowing if her head had even made contact with the arm rest her consciousness decided to switch off to black. 

***

Ethan hardly ever got erratic about anything, or more specifically nervous, but today was the day for all those rare emotions to erupt that he thought he was never capable of. At that moment when he witnessed Ilsa faint away in front of him he lost all sense of his reality. Yes, he did want to confront her when he discovered her address, and yes, he was furious that she had lied to him, and yes, it hurt him that she didn’t want a life with him. But even then he wouldn’t ever wish any physical harm to her. And now with the knowledge of an unborn child inside of her, his fear and guilt had only multiplied. 

Searching for Ilsa wasn’t just about being discrete, but also very calculative. He didn’t intend for any seniors at the IMF to notice, and neither was he ever going to compromise Ilsa. He knew she had taken the hard-drives, they didn’t, and he had intended to keep it that way. But he felt he did deserve to confront her for some answers. So informing Brandt, Benji, and Luther was something he chose to do on a personal account, definitely not professional. They were his friends after all, and they knew exactly what Ilsa meant to him by that point. So after discovering her exact location he had asked Benji to come along with him. The times when Ethan knew he was truly vulnerable were the times he needed someone that he could trust to get him out, no matter the situation. And thankfully this time around Benji was there. 

Sitting in a parked car down the street Benji Dunn patiently waited to hear how things would uncover. Having seen Ethan’s disappointment post the Kashmir mission only made him realise how much he needed Ilsa in his life. If anything she mildly controlled his levels of stupidity, and usually or always save his ass. Also, he realised was how incredibly stupid she was to leave him in the first place. They were both always sacrificing everything for the other, and a little too selflessly, surely they deserved to be happy the most. But, of all the confrontations Benji could have imagined he didn’t expect a frantic cry for help on his com. He was needed to come inside the cottage Ilsa had chosen to reside in. 

Benji didn’t know any part of the conversation that had previously taken place between Ethan and Ilsa, but seeing Ilsa passed out on the sofa had indicated that things clearly hadn’t gone so well. What he had completely expected was to see Ethan running around to make sure that Ilsa was in fact okay after their meltdown. Benji had also expected that Ethan would order him to check on her and see if she needed more medical attention or would indeed be fine. But, what he definitely hadn’t expected was to hear the word baby being used in any context what so ever. Perking his eyes up at Ethan he gave him a serious questioning look at the unusual choice of words.  
“She’s three months pregnant. And yes, the baby is mine.” And with that came Benji’s delayed moment of hysteria.   
Knowing well that now wasn’t’ the time for anymore questions, so he tried to play it down as much as possible, and instead help Ethan nurse Ilsa back to consciousness. 

***  
“I think she might be waking up Ethan.” Ilsa heard a voice that she hadn’t heard in a while.   
She tried concentrating without opening her eyes and then also heard, “let me get her some water to drink,” followed by some heavy footsteps across the room. Slowly trying to get her body to move she felt a hand behind her back, and just like a muscle reflex she didn’t wait to twist it with some significant pressure. Flipping the body forward and then positioning her knees on its chest, all before her eyes could fully regain complete vision.   
“Ough!” She heard from underneath her, a face she now could see was clearly Benji Dunn.   
“Ilsa let him go, I asked him to come and take a look at you.” Turning her head she saw Ethan Hunt holding a glass of water, most definitely for her.   
Their evening had only just begun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to say thank you for such wonderful words that were left behind in the last chapter. I really hope you enjoy this chapter as well, so please do leave your comments and thoughts below. I love reading them.


	3. Salt on wounds

Chapter 3: Salt on wounds

It was always a possibility for Ilsa that Ethan would eventually find her, and it was always an open question if the CIA would notice her secretly taking the hard drives from Kashmir. Which is why an agent like Ilsa Faust was would normally seal her plan for flaws, and always keep contingencies at the ready. But, the difference this time was that emotions got in the way. Like they had once before. 

No matter what a trained spy told themselves repeatedly, to retain complete focus, at some point in their career they had to succumb to human emotions and desires. Some situations in their careers would forbid them to be anything but human. And that was because they had to make peace with the fact that they were indeed human. 

Ilsa’s colour by then had improved, both in vision and for the onlooker. Comfortably on her sofa she sipped away tea, which Benji had reluctantly agreed to. He was told that he liked to hold on to animated grudges for a little longer then needed. Ethan on the other hand had decided to completely refrain from any sort of aggression going forward, realising that no desired result would be achieved if he did. This particular matter required a much more sensitive approach, for both their sakes. 

Breaking the reinitiated small talk Ilsa finally gave up and started to think about things going forward, “I’m guessing the CIA clearly don’t know about the drives being taken. Any plans to hand me over?”  
Before she could even finish Benji jumped in with eyes dangerously wide, “ Uh excuse me? Considering everything going on here surely the drives aren’t the matter of concern? Hello! He just told me you’re pregnant?,” looking back at Ethan, who’s face had an unreadable expression.  
Ethan waited to say something, after trying to read Ilsa’s face he just dropped his head into his palms.  
“Ilsa, you know us enough to know that we wouldn’t do that to you,” he muttered into his hands, exhausted to even look up.  
Ilsa couldn’t help but see his pain, she could feel him starting to break from underneath. But not with aggression, instead with the uncertainty that hung surrounding her confession she just made. 

Ethan almost massaged his temples and eyes back up to meet her face. Mustering the energy to start the conversation that needed immediate attention.  
“Do you want to keep the baby?” He asked completely ignoring Benji’s presence in the room.  
Benji felt the air immediately thicken and realised that he needed to give them some privacy. He also hoped that this time the conversation wouldn’t end with the previously orchestrated dramatics.  
“Well I’ll arrange dinner for us tonight, and leave you guys to it.” He stepped for the door and quickly turned to remind them of something, “call me if you need anything, or whenever it’s safe to return.” Leaving the two of them to have a serious conversation, and put no further delays. 

Ethan got up from his chair and walked over to Ilsa, motioning her to move aside and give him some space next to her.  
Ilsa gladly moved aside, shifting her legs up on the cushions, also relieved that he wasn’t going to be cold with her. Knowing that she had wronged him in the first place she still wanted to try improve their relationship.  
He gravitated down towards her, but kept a little distance to be safe.  
This time looking from the side at her he noticed a darker colour of her usual auburn hair. Remembering his question he pressed again,“do you want this baby Ilsa?”  
She brought her knees up to her chin but looked straight on, avoiding his gaze once again.  
“I only found out about this two weeks ago Ethan. And, I really don’t know what more to say to you. You know better than anyone how complicated this can be.” She replied honestly.  
He was a little relieved that she wasn’t planning on doing something irrational even if she was confused.  
“What do you want Ethan? As in, what are you hoping to get out of this?” She asked with some hope but mostly curiosity.  
“I suppose, I don’t know either. I hadn’t thought about this in a very long time. I won’t lie if I say that once I didn’t want this with Julia. It was all that I could have wished for.” She nodded her chin in acknowledgment of a similar dream. 

Breathing in deeply before saying something she contemplated about her next words. She hadn’t told anyone this before, except maybe only the closest in her team. She looked back at Ethan for a second, and then leaned her head onto her raised knees.  
“Ethan, this isn’t my first time getting pregnant.” His eyes shot up in shock. He even opened his mouth to speak, but not being able to formulate the words to say anything coherent.  
After his failure to comprehend, she decided to just continue.  
“ I don’t know how much of my history you know, but I joined the MI6 when I was 18, specifically recruited for a mission in Russia. From there on all I ever knew was this life of being an MI6 agent. I grew up as a foster child, didn’t know my birth parents, this was as close as a family I ever got. Just like you have Benji, Luther, and Brandt, I had my group of people too. Still do in fact. But, about seven years ago on my way to Turkey I met a British solider named Captain Mathew Fraser.”  
Hugging her knees even closer her eyes almost twinkled in longing as she recalled him. “He literally swept me away. There was just something about that encounter that changed me, and before you know it I was in love with him. We were together for about 2 years, and I had pretty much made up my mind to leave MI6. He knew everything too, and how deeply I was involved with them. The one last mission before I was supposed to officially leave the MI6 is what eventually cost me his life.”  
Ethan did know some aspects of the story that Ilsa was sharing, but after her escape from Kashmir he did his best to put together everything he could on his own and find about her. He knew about the relationship with Captain Fraser, as well how he was suspiciously captured after only just temporarily leaving the base for errands. The degree of the torture and mutilations to his body had unfortunately been graphically detailed in his retrieval files. But, they were really just a message sent for Ilsa, a way to threaten her.  
“I found out right after that I was pregnant. But by then I had decided that I didn’t want to leave the MI6 anymore. I wanted revenge. So I terminated the pregnancy.” She wanted to sound cold but she really didn’t. She was fuelled by pain and hurt. 

Ethan didn’t want to admit, but somewhere deep in his heart he did feel the sting of jealousy when Ilsa talked of Mathew. He knew it was hypocritical for sure, and he was well aware of it too, after all his relationship with Julia had been no less special. Yet, wanting a life with Ilsa had started to become something bigger in his mind, something exclusive where their past wouldn’t count and only future would matter. Something so different, but still so special, which is why finding her had become such driving need. 

“You did what you thought was right Ilsa.” Moving his hand over hers, “I can’t imagine the decision you had to make,” he said looking with only empathy in his heart.  
Her eyes just fell in agreement. Taking the moment to let her heart rest right before she decided to speak again.  
“You know better than anyone Ethan the number of enemies we have made over the years. The first thing we are taught is to never leave liabilities. This child would be just that, except with two times the people that will be after it. We can protect ourselves Ethan, not a defenceless child. You wanted to know what I thought about this, well this is all that I have so far.” 

The word liability always irked Ethan, for him humans were humans. One life or a million, they mattered in equal value. But she did make a point, a child is defenceless, and being on the run or living in hiding was no solution. Ilsa continued not really looking at him once again, “I have given up that life Ethan, even if I can look after it, you will always be on the run like you always are. Julia told me that your heart is too pure for this world, and that you can’t be happy unless you know you’ve done your bit to keep it safe.” She leaned back relaxing her arms, “You want to know why I left, I left because I would end up asking you what Julia couldn’t.” Tilting her head up she once again met his eyes. She could only see his conflict grow further with the second. 

Much to their surprise Benji did organise dinner, and it was good enough for them to share as a meal together. Sitting across a dining table they realised it was no less a surreal moment for each of them. They were all there for a different reason, yet somehow none of that would matter, because they would all end up staying for the same one.  
Eating a little too quietly Benji noticed the atmosphere was at the very least a lot calmer. “So I’m guessing that we’ve decided to call a ceasefire ?” Benji noticed Ethan’s eyebrow raise.  
Instead Ilsa decided to take the shot that Benji had fired, “depends if you’re on the field, who wouldn’t want that level of entertainment taken from them.” She sweetly smiled.  
Ethan smirked back, but Benji just grumbled away at his food.  
Stuffing his face with some bread Benji wondered how long would they have to stay here, or what they were even planning to do.  
“So what are you both planning on doing? What’s next?” Benji asked.  
This time Ethan had an answer prepared to go, one that needed immediate attention.  
“Nothing, I want to be here till Ilsa makes up her mind. If you need to leave then I won’t stop you. I completely understand,” Ethan said sincerely.  
Ilsa was just glad that they were able to come to a negotiation. She needed time to make a decision, and he understood. That was enough for the time being.  
Benji was admittedly also very happy at Ethan’s decision. No matter what Ethan needed to be here with Ilsa, he had given up too much of his life for the world, and now he needed to fight for his happiness as well. 

Benji also knew that Ethan would never let it past his face, let alone in words of how much he actually wanted this child. He knew Ethan well enough by then, he was a good man, with good intentions. If anything was to go by, then by the life he had wanted to live with Julia only indicated that nothing would make him happier than to have a family. He would love and protect that child to end of the world. But he would only ever reveal that when he knew Ilsa for sure wanted the same thing. Pressuring her would only make his heart swamp himself in guilt. 

Snapping back to the table Benji knew what he wanted as well, “well lets say I haven’t explored Switzerland enough, so hopefully you won’t mind if I crash here then.” He said smiling at Ethan, while Ethan nodded mouthing back a thank you.

Ilsa prepared the upper bedroom while the boys cleared away the table. Unsure of how this was even going to work, she pulled out the duvets and blankets in the guest room. She only had two bedrooms, with one being downstairs which was hers, and the other upstairs, being the guest. She didn’t know how to ask Ethan where he wanted to sleep, or tell him that it was best if he sleeps in the guest room with Benji. But, by the time she returned downstairs she saw Benji wishing her goodnight and heading straight upstairs to the room she had just prepared, leaving her to wonder where Ethan was? Seeing an empty kitchen and living room she saw her bedroom light flicker, and upon reaching inside she saw Ethan hunt preparing for bed, just without his shirt.  
Giving a slight cough she made her presence felt in the room, all a while he was folding away his very recently removed shirt into her closet.  
He definitely noticed her enter, and he also noticed her stumble seeing him in her room, but he just couldn’t help but inwardly smile at her eyeing his body. Amidst all that had happened in the fast few months this was by far the most refreshing moment for him.  
Ilsa tried to speak again, but Ethan hadn’t even turned to acknowledge her presence. He cut in before she could even try, “you honestly didn’t think I would be sleeping with Benji after searching 3 months for you. Did you?” He smiled as he was still unpacking a few things from his bag into her closet.  
She almost stumbled at his cheekiness, yet she was concerned for where this would eventually lead to. She had done enough to him, hadn’t she?  
Finishing his unpacking he moved towards the covers and slid in without much care, “Calm down, we’re just sleeping on the same bed. Plus, I’m too exhausted if you were after more.”  
Setting alight her cheeks she cursed at him, making him laugh harder, right before she walked into her en suite to change.  
Upon her return she could see Ethan was already asleep, he genuinely was tired. The events of the day had taken their toll on her, while he had been given an extraordinary news. If anything he deserved a good night’s sleep. So she walked across to her side and slid under the same covers, knowing her eyes too would give up soon. Then tomorrow would be a better day to discuss their sleeping arrangements, today was just the day to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a comment behind to review my work. It is really encouraging to hear from you.


	4. What reality looks like

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for delaying this chapter. I have been very sick which is why I couldn't write. Hope you like this chapter. Please leave your comments behind, they are very encouraging.

Chapter 4: What reality looks like

 

“Body temperature is drastically low, his blood oxygen levels are critical, and all I might have is a faint pulse.” Julia frantically directed her medical team. “Ethan stick with me, we got you alright.” Julia reassured while holding onto Ethan’s hand and silently praying that there was a quick turnaround to his health.  
All the while Ilsa had fallen to her knees, desperate and scared to know if Ethan would survive. Her eyes refused to stay dry and her heart pounded as a roaring drum against her ribcage. Muttering to herself that Ethan couldn’t possibly die, not yet.  
She hadn’t felt this emotion for anyone since Mathew, and for some reason all of this looked a little too familiar to her. Questioning herself that what was the point of loving someone when you know it only made them worse off?

***  
Feeling a chill over her left leg Ilsa started to stir in the very same bed that she had slept in with Ethan Hunt the previous night. The chills only crippled higher up her leg, making her turn to notice that Ethan had taken up most of the blanket, leaving her with barely anything. Completely annoyed at him for monopolising the warmth away from her, she turned back in frustration to check the time instead. A clock reading 4:30 am reflected back much to her annoyance. This was normally a little too early for her run, but she didn’t think she was going to get anymore sleep, so may be getting up was a better idea than freezing. With a defeated swing of her legs that she was just about to take, suddenly a hand had neatly curved up from the behind, perfectly encasing her small waist. More importantly, successfully stoping her from moving.  
“It’s way too early Ilsa, you need more sleep than that.” Ethan murmured into her ear.  
Not even having the time to react to the foreign feeling of his hand, he then quickly pulled her up against his bare chest, snuggling her in and resting his lower cheek against her upper one.  
Ilsa viciously rolled her eyes at his antics, still feeling very annoyed at why she had to wake up in the first place.  
“Excuse me, but you took away most of the blanket leaving me cold. What more did you expect me to do.” Ethan’s eyes smiled, yet they remaining closed.  
“Well….. I should be warm enough, get back to sleep Ilsa,” he whispered her name a little too seductively.  
He wasn’t wrong though, he was indeed warm. Ethan’s body physically radiated off heat, but gentlest kind. And it had always seemed to be like that, with the only exception being in Kashmir. His state of health had seriously worried her then, and that was a serious reminder. Which had also been the real reason why she had actually woken up. The chill and the blanket was just the excuse.  
Ethan could always make things so much more difficult, its how she had got in the position in the first place. Had he not caught her that night in Kashmir, she would have fled without him knowing, but instead she slept with him and got herself pregnant. 

But the one thing she couldn’t deny was the bliss of being in his arms, it was engulfing and protective at he same time. He was possessive and steady, but mostly sincere. To be held with such care was something she could only dream of, and this moment alone would never be enough. She wanted it to last forever. Something that she knew could never be a real possibility.  
Ilsa decided it was worth fighting this entire situation, instead of just day dreaming with him. Using a little more force Ilsa tried to once again move away from Ethan’s grasp. But his arms and hands had met with equal retaliation, making sure her second attempt would be her last. Locking her fully he had effectively stilled her, almost shushing her into a planned submission.  
She didn’t say anything after that, but she also didn’t know why. He just made it either so much more difficult, or a little too easy. What she was fighting was an attachment with her conflicting heart.  
Ethan’s grasp had slowly started to melt into her body, making sure that she was comfortable, as well as especially warm. Ethan was also silently praying that Ilsa would just stay put for now, and hopefully fall asleep in his arms.  
He didn’t mind keeping her captive like he had her, preying on her like a rouge criminal was undeniably seductive. Even though he only wanted this moment to be purely innocent, the sexual tension was absolutely unavoidable, yet he also knew that there would be plenty of time to address it. Their proximity, their touch and their aroma, it was evoking senses that she had denied to operate at free will.  
Ilsa could feel herself struggle, she didn’t want to feel conflicted and this was why she had wished he had slept next to Benji and not her. Ethan’s breath at the nape of her neck was washing off on her skin, spiking little goose pimples erratically. Every minute sensation that he was causing was only making it wilder for her. Ghosh! How was she supposed to sleep like this she had thought, it wasn’t fair of him to do this at all. And, this was only their first morning for God’s sake! If things kept going this way, she would just bend to his every need. 

“Do you know how good it feels to have six hours of uninterrupted sleep and then wake up next to you? Especially knowing that I plan to sleep for another four at least.” Ethan sounded almost amused.  
“Finding you had driven me insane Ilsa,” he almost soothed into her ear. “So at the very least please just give me this. I haven’t felt this good in a very long time. Whatever this may be.”  
Ethan’s sincerity had always managed to creep through to her. She really wanted to hate it but she knew couldn’t. He wasn’t vindictive or demanding in any way, he was just honest. 

If engulfing Ilsa’s body was at all possible then that is exactly what Ethan did. Almost massaging her arms up and down soothingly, he had brought comfort to all her worries whether she liked it or not. His entire presence was just a little too overwhelming for her emotions, as if he had cradled her into his arms. Effectively lulling her into sleep. A little reluctant it may have been, but one thing she knew was that she couldn’t regret it. 

***

Somehow the next few hours had passed by in perfect bliss, yet once again Ilsa had woken up before Ethan. This time being much more discrete as she got out of his hold and thought it was now the best time for her run. She wanted nothing more than to feel the alpine fresh air run though her lungs, even if the temperatures were not the most suitable for her condition. Just before leaving the room she turned to see Ethan, his mouth slightly parted but such deep the sleep that he froze away at an awkward angle. Not resisting a smile she walked out, but making sure to leave a posted note on the kitchen table before setting the two spies on another hunt. 

A strong hour to test her stamina and speed pushed her just the right amount. Feeling solid from the inside she walked back towards her villa. Hoping everyone was well awake. 

The scent of an American breakfast was well on the horizon. As she appeared through the kitchen door she saw Ethan and Benji far too engrossed in cooking eggs and sautéing mushrooms. Ethan greeted her with his eyes, a little coldly for her liking. While Benji was a little relieved at her delayed yet eventual arrival.  
“We need to go get more groceries, there isn’t enough for the three us to last another two days,” he said with a little attitude.  
Ilsa simply shrugged her shoulders, “all yours. Re-stock when ever you feel like it.” 

Ethan chose to remain quiet until the rest of the afternoon. It wasn’t as if he didn’t participate in the things that needed done, he did all the house necessities. He also made sure to ask if Ilsa needed anything, but what was really bothering him at how all this was supposed to look. The truth was so much more difficult to understand, he had to grasp that his life would never truly be the same, regardless of what Ilsa decided to do, or not do. Finding a moment in front of the fire he had lit up, he just sat down to gather his thoughts. 

Soon enough he heard a plomp next to him, turning to see a rather frustrated Benji fiddling with the zipper to take off his jacket. “These alpine treks I swear are going to kill me, I am huffing half way up the driveway.”  
Ethan returned an amused look, while Benji noted his rather quiet behaviour.  
“I’ve seen you have been rather quiet all day, want to tell me what’s going on?”  
Looking up at Benji he was unsure of what to say.  
“There is just a lot to take in, I came searching for someone but found something else all together.”  
Benji understood his predicament.  
“Have you talked more about this with Ilsa?”  
Ethan just nodded a no.  
“Why not walkaway like she did then?” Benji this time asked with a little judgment before continuing further.  
“That’s the thing, I failed before. What does that say about me?”  
Benji disagreed, “doesn’t mean you can’t try again Ethan. Sometimes more than the time in your life it’s the person than matters, sometimes it’s the other way around. You felt you couldn’t be happy with just Julia, but now this time things may be different. Maybe she will be all you need.”  
Ethan didn’t reply, because he wasn’t sure what exactly to say. No doubt Julia and Ilsa are two different people, but unfortunately he was still the same. He was sure that the love he had for Julia was never the problem, then why would things be different this time.  
There conversation kept going back and forth, not entirely sure why but he could come to terms with why Ilsa was so unsure about the baby, considering he himself was so unsure about a life with her. Just her. This wasn’t the dream he had planned where he and her could go on saving the world one mission after the other, indefinitely. This was as real as it got. 

As the conversation was carried on it had turned into something a little more light hearted, which Ethan was thankful for. A set of footsteps had interrupted the light banter, making it Ilsa’s turn to make herself comfortable in front of the fire.  
“I won’t lie, but the two of you do make living with men much more pleasant than I had ever expected. Such gentleman.” She teased with a smile.  
“Well I don’t know what you expected considering you’re living with two highly trained agents,” replied Benji sarcastically.  
Ilsa rolled her eyes, “ How the hell did you end up the other side of the pond? MI6 wasn’t good enough for you?” She asked with a raised eyebrow.  
Benji just scoffed back, “more like I wasn’t good enough to make it with them.”  
And with that Ilsa laughed, whole-heartedly without a worry in a very long time. Ethan just looked on, mesmerised at her. Thinking that maybe this time things could actually be different.  
“My dad was America, so I had an American citizenship. Completed the tests and got the position.” Ilsa was still laughing but nodded in understanding.  
“What about you? How did you get involved with the MI6?” Benji asked.  
Ilsa leaned back, wondering what to divulge. Convinced that these people were her friends so really there was no need for secrecy.  
“I was recruited for a special mission, to save the Russian ambassador’s daughter. I had a Ukrainian foster mother who had taught me Russian, had a pretty solid record at school but was considered a little too physically aggressive. I guess when they came looking in the public school system they found a match that checked all the boxes. My success in that mission is what got me through the door, then came all the training and testing. Once cleared, I was their agent.”  
Ethan’s interest perked up at her story, wondering which ambassador was she referring to.  
“Who was the Ambassador?” He asked.  
“Natasha Yelchin, she gave the British significant Intel, so we traded to keep her daughter safe who was with her ex husband at the time. I had to get her out of the country.” She stated a little too casually.  
“What was your cover” Ethan asked a little sternly.  
She waited to answer, not sure how he would take it but well aware that he knew their profession for long enough.  
“Russian sex slave. What more of a cover would you gives a 17 year old girl?” She said with a scoff.  
Ethan shook his head in disbelief, for a number of reasons.  
“Were you at the Vera ball?”  
Ilsa didn’t know where he was going with this, “Yes, that’s where the trade was supposed to occur. But, why are you asking?”  
Ethan now not being able to look asked his final question.  
“Were you one of Belikov’s girls?”  
A temporary silence was cast over them before Ilsa spoke again.  
“Yes, but be assured I got out of there before anything happened.” She tried to sound reassuring if he had assumed that she was assaulted in such a manner. At least nothing serious had happened compared to what had been inflicted on her since that particular mission.  
Ethan’s face had slowly started to transform his buried feelings, anger and rage being on the top.  
“That’s not the fucking point!” He seethed, punching his fist into the sofa.  
“You were 17, had no combat training, or any sort of technical training, and were then sent in as a sex slave for one of the most disgusting monsters that I had come across at the time.” He didn’t mince his words, he was outraged at the thought of an intelligence agency using such an inexperienced girl for such a sensitive mission. Survival on a mission like that is hardly ever foreseeable, it is only to Ilsa’s credit that she was brave enough to go through with it because there really was no skill involved, only luck.  
“By the way, I was also there! And no, I don’t remember seeing you because I was there finding out an illegal weapons stock location, but I do remember how the girls had been caged like animals under the ballroom floor. It’s sickening that you were used like that. I am not here judging what you have had to do for a mission or not, believe me I have had my fair share of compromises, but this is below an agency. You coming out of that Ilsa, and still being untouched is pure luck, just pure luck!” Ethan finished turning away his face.

Ilsa was a little unsure of what to make of his outburst, but she could tell that his faith was slowly lessening from the institutions they had once vowed to protect. Not bringing back agents or wrongfully accusing them was something they had become accustomed to, it was all in order to satisfy political diplomacy. But, now thinking about it, using an untrained girl in a space like that was a recipe for disaster.  
“And you’re asking me why I left?” She flatly stated with a smirk, while Benji was completely unsure of what to make of the transaction that had just taken place.


	5. Breaking Point

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi Everyone,
> 
> Thank you for being so patient about this chapter. I am so sorry, I am still unwell therefore I have been slow at posting. As I recover I will keep posting, may take a while but hopefully improve very soon.   
> Thank you so much for all your comments. You have no idea how much they make me smile. As I am late for this chapter I will just thank everyone here, but please do let me know how you like the next chapter. All your words have great impact on my work.

Chapter 5 : Breaking Point

3 Months Later

Waiting in a hospital lounge for over four hours was not in any way easy; especially knowing that the person you love was on the edge of life of or death. It became even more complicated for Ethan who didn’t just have one life’s safety to pray for, but also the life of the unborn child attached to it. 

Massaging his temples and then eyelids Ethan walked in frustration over to the nurse’s station for the sixth time that hour, always to ask for any updates on Ilsa’s condition. 

The past three months had not been in any way a smooth ride for him, or Ilsa. Benji had decided to leave about a week after their arrival at Ilsa’s home, realising that Ethan and Ilsa needed more time to really gather themselves and make a very important decision together. The unspoken tension in-between them inevitably led to many heated arguments, the ones Ethan would try and avoid at any cost. But, they only elevated Ilsa’s desire and need to retrieve a more concrete answer from Ethan instead. Something Ethan was still refusing to give in to.

Amidst the uncertainty, Ilsa could see at the very least how much Ethan wanted this child, even if he wasn’t ready to commit his life towards it. Which somehow had made Ilsa take upon the responsibility to be a single parent if the need be. What she had truly come to realise was that more than anything she was willing to take care of this child at any cost, even if Ethan wouldn’t. Somehow in that bizarre way her decision became clear. 

As convoluted as their understanding was they made it work in the interim, Ethan had taken a leave of absence to focus on his life, but just really to take care of Ilsa. Yet, he had never actually committed to resigning or staying with her forever either. This was the bottom line in their relationship that had become the cause of all their heated discussions, and this was the cause that had led Ilsa into the emergency room that very day in the hospital. 

After shifting her to a more specialised hospital wing at Zurich, Ethan knew perfectly well that the impact of this argument was going to be catastrophic for him. He was about to loose everything and it would only and only be his fault. 

***  
As another 12 hours passed by Ilsa’s condition had still not improved. At this point Ethan had accepted that a long, uncomfortable, and a deservingly grief ridden night awaited him. Benji would message everyday to check on Ethan so that particular day his inability to reply 24 hours ago, and then not tend to his eleven missed calls had already caused enough serious concern. After finally making contact all it took was Ethan’s trembling voice for Benji to get on the first flight to Zurich. 

Into the early hours of the morning Ethan refused to admit the struggle of his strained eyes but as soon as he saw the doctors take their foot steps towards him he got up without a complaint. Keeping the farce of a married Swiss couple, the doctor addressed him as Ilsa’s husband assuming his native tongue too was Swiss German. Ethan managed to find his tongue in time, keeping the charade alive. But all he did once he began to speak was frantically beg for any updates on her condition. 

The slightest of good news came his way, relieved that after the long excruciating hours of observation they had finally managed to stabilise her condition, as well as his baby’s. It was nearly a miracle they had told him, at this point he would take anything. He was also told that she wouldn’t be awake for another eight hours or so, which made the doctors request that he looked after himself for the time being and get some much needed rest. Ethan lied away in joy. Relaxing his heartbeat he sat back down on the hospital chairs, hoping he could get the rest he needed once he saw Ilsa in her room. 

*** 

With sleep drooping over Ethan’s eyes as well as battling a semi-conscious state Ethan felt a tap over his shoulder. Seeing Benji with his usual sincere smile he couldn’t help but hug him back, only to realise that he had fallen asleep on the outdoor chairs. Panic taking over when he also realised he had never made it to Ilsa’s room.  
“Benji what’s the time?” Ethan asked running his hand frantically through his hair.  
“Uhm 7 am? Where is Ilsa?” Rolling his eyes in relief Ethan ran towards the nurse’s station to check which room they had actually shifted Ilsa into, hoping that she hadn’t woken up before his presence.   
Making sure to let Benji know he came back hurrying, “I am just going to go see Ilsa, give me a few minutes and we’ll talk? Yeah?” He asked genuinely with worry plastered on his face.   
Benji nodded in support, “Just you take care mate. I’ll get some breakfast and will be around here.” 

Without anymore wait Ethan rushed towards Ilsa’s room. Skidding around the corners he finally found her number and then walked in without any signs of warning. Just in time to catch two eyelids force themselves shut at the very moment of his entrance.   
Pausing for a second he had realised that she was well awake, but more clearly she absolutely didn’t want to see him. Slowly, he then took the seat next to her bed. Soon finding her hand he had it encased between both of his, wanting nothing more than to feel the warmth and colour returning to her pale skin.   
Noticing her lips twitch in what looked like annoyance he cringed. Hoping that maybe one day she would be able to forgive him, that one day he would be enough.  
Struggling to find any words he brought her hand to his forehead to lean against, and simply started from the apologises.   
“I’m so sorry Ilsa. I am so very sorry.” He said almost like a prayer.

Being much weaker after the ordeal she had just gone through she resisted to say out loud that Ethan’s presence was draining the life out of her. Being completely conscious Ilsa felt his hands take over one of her hand, but in reality he had it wrapped around much more in that moment.   
She had come to realise a lot in the time that she had woken up, starting with the fact that she hated that she still loved Ethan. But, what she really hated more was that he was so selfless that even his immediate family wasn’t a priority when it came to being a hero. She wasn’t sure how his one life was equivalent to one million theory worked, when he couldn’t commit to his own family.  
The back and forth over the last three months had come to an unbearable end, resulting in the situation they were in. His indecisiveness was straining her physically. Initially, she thought she was making progress when he understood the depth of misuse their agencies had already done to them, but that wasn’t enough for Ethan. He still felt it was his duty to do what was right, when it was needed to be done, even when the people they were working for went to questionable means to get it done. 

Somehow Ilsa knew that her and Ethan would probably never be on the same page, it was a pity to her. She loved him and now she never wanted to admit it, not for a man who couldn’t leave everything for her. If anything it made her respect Julia even more, Julia still loved Ethan, no matter what she told him as they parted ways of their relationship. The truth was that Julia loved him enough to leave him, so he could go after what he truly loved. But that wasn’t good enough for Ilsa, and she was fine being labelled selfish for it. She needed him to make a decision and stick to it. If she was going to raise this child on her own, she would rather him gone before it arrived. A vague father figure was just not good enough for her, and if this meant she went it alone then she was ready to go for it.  
Ethan’s words hadn’t stopped nor his apologies. And Ilsa knew this charade wouldn’t go on for long anyway, so she decided it was time to put an end. Completely to an end.

“Ethan, just please get out! I have had enough.”


	6. Bursting the Bubble

Chapter 6 : Bursting the Bubble

Crippled by the sharp pain that ran through his veins, Ethan didn’t know how else to respond to Ilsa’s scathing request. Everything till now had only been taking a wrong turn.  
“Ilsa please just listen to me.” Ethan begged, “I know till now I haven’t been by your side the way you have wanted, just please give me another chance.” His plea wasn’t even entirely heard. Cut off my Ilsa’s strained yet stern voice.  
“Ethan, please just get out. Right now I want to rest, and believe me when I say this, you’re the last person I want around me.” Moving her free hand over to her swollen abdomen, she protectively caressed it further away from Ethan.   
Turning her head sideways as well, she bluntly made it clear that Ethan needed to leave without creating a further scene.   
Ethan wanted nothing more than to keep holding on to Ilsa’s hand, to feel his child with her, but he was sure that he had lost that right after this debacle.   
Still not having let go of her hand he felt her try pulling it away, making Ethan only more unwillingly to let it go. Fearing that this could be it.

On the other hand, he was also concerned of distressing her any further, it had taken hours to just stabilise her. He didn’t want to jeopardise her health in any way for his selfish reasons. This was something that needed to be resolved when she was much better, stronger even. There was no use upsetting her further and putting his child in even more danger because of him. As much as this moment stung, he knew it was his price to pay. 

With the hand slowly slipping away Ilsa turned away her body completely to face the other direction, fully shutting Ethan off. Ethan’s eyes had unknowingly welled up, his emotions elevated, but he was sure he was drowning in mostly pity for himself. Getting up from the chair in misery he headed towards the door, turning just once to look at her with complete despair and also a cracked voice.   
“I’ll be just outside. If you need anything, just let the nurses know and I’ll be back.” And with that he left.  
What Ethan had actually wanted to say was that he loved her. Period. And that he couldn’t be more sorry for what he had done. But, he knew saying that wouldn’t help the situation. Because if he did love her the she would demand why was it so hard to pick her and her child over his life at the IMF, something unfortunately he still couldn’t answer. And he didn’t know why either, which only frustrated him further. It was the only life he knew, the only one he had become adjusted to. But, he did realise that he also had a different life with Julia, one which he loved much more than he could ever say. And maybe, the failure of that was what really scared him. 

Walking back from the room Ethan stepped towards the lounge where he had spent the previous night. Unsure of what was awaiting him next, questions about where should he go, and what should he do was all that came to mind. A step at a time he found himself back on the seats that he had accidently fallen asleep in.  
With only minutes having passed by he felt a sudden hand on his shoulder, turning his head to look he saw that it was none other than his old friend Luther.   
“Miss me.” He said with a sincere smile.  
Ethan got up and hugged the man, feeling the warmth of his closest family member.   
“You have no idea how much.” Ethan said letting go of him.   
“Who told you I was here.” Ethan asked wondering why Luther was in Zurich.  
“Aah… someone thought he might need back up this time,” Luther said referring to Benji with smile.   
Ethan just responded with a smile of his own, he knew well how much Benji worried about him, so this was right up his ally to bring all his closest people.   
Ethan looked up at Luther once again and noticed that he wasn’t finished. He still had something else to say, but instead of saying he just stepped aside to reveal a face he thought he wouldn’t see after Kashmir, Julia. 

A radiant smile that he could never forget and a pair of warm eyes that always saw him as the saviour of the world looked at him. If anything it was the most beautiful reminder of why he loved her, or maybe even still does.   
Being brought back to reality he looked back at Luther, very much questioningly at why was Julia here?   
“We think the two of you need to talk, now more than ever Ethan.” Luther said with an unknowing undertone. Ethan couldn’t for the life of him figure out what on earth Luther was talking about.  
Almost fazed out by the situation he turned to Julia wondering if she was going to say anything. “I wasn’t sure if we had to,” Ethan said in an uncertain voice. Turning around he scanned the place to see if there was anyone else who was unexpected going to show up, or some clue as to explain this bazar encounter.   
Julia who couldn’t take anymore advantage of Ethan’s cluelessness, only heightened by the seriously evident fatigue decided to quickly step in.  
“Ethan how about we grab a coffee and then talk. Trust me you look like you could use one,” she said encouragingly.  
Ethan having made no progress just gave in, still being clueless as to what was happening. Moving aside he walked behind Julia, but just before he turned to see if Luther was going to give away why this was happening. Ethan at very few moments in his life had been kept in the dark, it just wasn’t in his nature to not know things. Being an agent was almost poetic in that sense, because not knowing killed more. Luther on the other hand had firmly decided that Ethan would very soon find out himself and it was best to not give him any warnings.

For Luther it couldn’t be more true to say that Ethan was much more guarded and shielded than any other normal person. And very few people had ever scratched that surface where Ethan could be vulnerable. He only ever showed his pain to really one person, and that one person today needed to help Ethan make some very important decisions. Especially, before it was too late. Luther had always felt that he had to replay Ethan for what he did in Berlin for him, and maybe today was the time for his repayment. 

As Ethan and Julia walked along towards the café just outside the hospital they came to a halt by an approaching Benji, who didn’t look at all surprised by Julia’s presence.   
“Hey guys. How’s Ilsa, Ethan?” Asked Benji.   
Ethan wasn’t sure what exactly to say.  
“She is stable, but wanted to rest. I would give it a few hours before she feels like talking to anyone.” Ethan had said the words a little too ominously, not sure how either of them would take it. Julia turned to face Ethan, very much seeing the worry that she had already anticipated he would be going through.   
Benji broke their glance with his voice, “I’ll wait with Luther. You both take your time.”   
Ethan very quickly realised his mistake and stopped Benji in his tracks again, “actually Benji could you go see Ilsa? Maybe its just me that she doesn’t want to see.” Admitting his shame and guilt in front of both of them, knowing that they already knew how he had ended up here in the first place.

Julia put her hand on his shoulder, almost reassuringly that it would be okay.  
Benji wasn’t at all surprised either, the self-pity that Ethan was putting on was his very trademark, which was also the very reason he had asked Luther and Julia to join him as well. Being Ethan’s closest friend he knew it was his responsibility to show him reason and sight when Ethan’s judgment was much too clouded.   
“How about you eat something and relax a little yourself. Me and Luther won’t leave Ilsa’s side.” Benji finished with his jovial smile and a reassuring squeeze of Ethan’s arm.

***  
Julia ordered for Ethan while he took a seat in the café, burdened and strained he looked away through the window to all the mundane activity that was carrying on outside.   
When Julia returned she sat opposite him and then patiently waited for Ethan to return from his trance. Turning back he blinked in almost embarrassment.  
“It’s nothing short of a surprise seeing you here today Julia.” He said.  
Julia pressed her lips together and then nodded in agreement.  
“I would say it would be the same for me. I didn’t expect to be here either. But, I got a call from Luther and also Benji, and I sort of felt I needed to see you.”  
She was honest, and she hoped if anything he would see through that.  
Ethan was still confused though, he wasn’t sure why the presence of his ex-wife was important in all of this.   
“I appreciate you being here Julia, but you have a different family to worry about now. You’re with someone else, and I hardly think he would think it’s appropriate for you to run to me at my time of need. I stayed away to keep you safe so you could have a normal life, this would make it redundant.”  
Julia strongly nodded in disagreement.   
“Me and my husband shifted to Munich after Kashmir, I was only an hour away. As for running in your time of need, I hardly think I could even compare myself as someone who is capable of saving you. I trust someone else has taken that role in your life, because I never actually had it. Ilsa is the one who would do all the running for you, not me Ethan. I am here for one reason alone, and that is that you don’t miss out on what is right in front of you.”  
Ethan was pleased at first that he wasn’t causing any interruptions in Julia’s life, but he was surprised with the turn of conversation about him and Ilsa.   
“I am not sure if I follow Julia.”  
Julia smiled again, interrupted by their coffees and pastries being plated on the table she waited before continuing.  
“You once told me if it wasn’t for me that you wouldn’t realise the fear of loosing someone, then why is it that you can’t let go of everything and protect the most important thing in your life?”  
Not sure if he wanted to drink his coffee or drop his head in his hands, Ethan just avoided her gaze, but it didn’t stop Julia from continuing.   
“You left everything for me Ethan, what’s stoping you from doing the same when you have so much more with her.” Julia said with a slight pang in her heart.  
Ethan looked back at her, feeling the guilt that was unknowingly already killing him everyday.  
“Because I didn’t try hard enough with you.” He said looking up and they away from her. Gathering the courage to speak he continued while not meeting her gaze.  
“If I left everything for her then it makes me the biggest hypocrite,” he said in defeat before turning back to his lap.   
Julia smiled at the pity of the entire situation, “no it doesn’t Ethan. You aren’t a hypocrite. I made a decision as well, you can’t take the onus of the relationship on your shoulders. I told you to go back to your life. That was what I wanted, and I wouldn’t change it even today. When I said I was happy, I meant it.”  
Ethan nodded in disagreement, “I should have tried harder. I just ran Julia. I loved you, and I still do.”   
This time Julia smiled in much more relaxed manner, extending her hands she got a hold of his, “ and so do I Ethan. But, it is okay to admit that you love someone else now. And, that it is much more than you ever have before. And why wouldn’t it be, you have a child on the way, she should be your priority. Ethan, it really is okay, why are you running away from this?”   
Rubbing his hand across his face Ethan was slowly coming to terms with a lot that he had put aside. The biggest being, the real reason for running away from Ilsa seemed like an option was because doing any different would make his relationship with Julia look like sham, which it wasn’t. But, it was also true that the love he had for Ilsa was entirely on a different plane. It was unmatched truly in every sense. 

Ethan had very quickly realised how he had destroyed the most important relationship in his life, all because he was afraid his past would get hurt, which completely compromised his future.   
The two of them both had breakfast, making small talk throughout. Also, knowing that the day awaited for more discussions that were to unfold. More importantly, the discussion Julia had in plan to have with Ilsa. If Ethan feared he was being a hypocrite, then Ilsa too felt that she wasn’t good enough. Ilsa too had her insecurities, being labelled second was the first. And fearing judgment for showing that she cared was the second. Ilsa would never say out loud that she hated that Ethan had never even considered leaving the IMF for her, while for Julia he had already left and then returned at her very will. If Julia understood even a little, she could tell that Ilsa would never let her self-respect be compromised, or ever have the need to showcase her vulnerabilities. And, if the fragility of their relationship surrendered around her, then Julia knew it was her responsibility to open their eyes, before it was too late for the both of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A very big thank you for all the special comments. Believe me it is these comments that make me want to write as all your words mean so much to me. Apologise for the grammatical and editing errors, I hope you like this chapter. Like always please behind your comments and views below so I can see what you think. Thank you for all wishes for me to get better, I feel much better for sure and am on my way to recovery.


	7. Chapter 7 : Fighting the Internal War

Chapter 7 : Fighting the Internal War

Ilsa’s wasn’t sure if sending Ethan away made her feel any better, but she was sure it didn’t make her feel any worse than she already did. Pain and confusion wasn’t all that washed over her face, so did betrayal. Squeezing her eyes shut she wasn’t sure how long had passed since Ethan had left. Time at hospitals was always ambiguous for Ilsa. She couldn’t keep a count of how many times she had been in and out from, neither for herself, or the others she cared about. 

Turning to the side that faced the door she peaked her eyes open, hoping that Ethan was truly gone and not just lurking around be in her line of sight. She didn’t even know herself from where that forceful need for him to leave came from, but she just wanted it done. Manoeuvring her eyes she looked on to see her six month pregnant belly, caressing it to hopefully feel the baby move. A part of her felt horrible that she never let Ethan even feel or see any of this, but the other part of her felt it was for his best. He came to her uninvited in Switzerland, and gave her no guarantee to stick around, then why did she have to feel bad about him not getting to experience any of this. The first time she ever felt her baby move was coincidently when she was laying next to Ethan at night. But, she never told him what she felt. Ethan had figured out what she was experiencing, not at first but later on did. He felt betrayed for obvious reasons that she never let on about any of this. He would see her smile at the oddest of times, almost away from the world where he stood. The doctors would question her about it, making it only clearer that she wasn’t willing to share any of this with him. Not yet anyway. And in turn that hurt Ethan, which she had intended. 

Ilsa never saw her self as a cruel person either, but the job had made her cold. Most would say that she was cold to begin with, which is why she was so good at the job, but she knew that wasn’t true. The job was just not about draining blood, sweat and tears, but her soul as well. Which is why she knew that it was time to leave, but Lane became the impending issue. First to be brought back in, and then so she could officially get out. After all that she had sacrificed she was so that she could strike a negotiation. She was at the very least glad it didn’t come to blackmail, so in a way she was grateful that the MI6 had let go with all her demands intact. She was even surprised that her handler Atlee had shown some level of compassion towards her, it was unusual to see that man ever show any emotion. 

Being sure that not many hours had passed away she felt a few footsteps enter her room. Previously she had seen Ethan enter so she wasn’t so much fearing her safety. But new places and unknown people will forever cause her to question her surroundings. Even if they were her doctors. So this time when she heard the footsteps she wished for more than anything that her knifes were strapped around her leg, or maybe a gun in holster on the side. Laying on a hospital bed felt defenceless in all the ways. But once she heard the first voice to peak through her ears she realised it was none other than her British IMF agent. She relaxed and then turned to face them. No where near the decency she gave Ethan.  
Benji’s sincere eyes and Luther’s warm aura was awaiting to greet her.  
“The little one looks like its cooking up well, Ilsa” said Luther looking over at her baby bump.  
Ilsa nodded in a warm fashion. It felt good to have these guys around, even if they were only here for Ethan.  
Benji sat the closest to her, “ so I decide to leave the two of you on your own, and he lands you in the hospital. What happened to the Ilsa that would kick his ass straight away, I thought you were much stronger than that.”  
Ilsa wasn’t sure either how she had become so weak, she wasn’t sure how Ethan words had started to impact her so much. Maybe that was it, all she wanted him to do was leave, not lurk around if he had no use.  
She wasn’t sure how long they all just sat there, but it was such a pleasant change that she wished it wouldn’t end. Her meals would come and be served while they kept her entertained and amused at their antics. She wasn’t sure how long they would stay but she couldn’t be any gladder to have them around. 

Just as Ilsa started to feel the exhaustion waving to hit her, she realised that Ethan had infact stuck to his word. He hadn’t come to see her after she had requested. And as confusing as it may sound that irked her as well. Ethan only played within the boundaries of what he knew or what he wanted, it was rare for him to ever break it. Even if it was to make someone happy, someone content. 

She wanted Ethan, she just didn’t want to scream it out loud. Benji was just about to excuse himself out of her room to let her rest, assuring her that him and Luther would be back tomorrow. But, just before they were about to leave she saw a face she truly didn’t have any reason to ever see again; Atlee. 

The man walked in completely ignoring Luther and Benji’s presence in the room, reminecent of her days at MI6. He walked right up to the foot of her bed and then paused to almost clinically assess her laying in front of him, but she could also sense Benji and Luther getting a grip on their weapons. Gathering her strength she spoke before anything unwanted happened.  
“You being here is never a good sign.” She said stating her opinion.  
Atlee almost looked away, unsure how exactly to break the news to her. It would be difficult to explain to her what was going to happen next. But he owed it to himself to tell his best agent that her life was in genuine danger if she didn’t listen to him.  
“I wasn’t expecting to be here. I was contacted by the CIA yesterday in regards to some intelligence that I am sure is being debriefed with your husband right now. Post capturing Lane again we have had a few security breaches by the existing members of the apostles, and there seems to be a lingering attack that the CIA is aware off. We have unfortunately been completely shut out from the remaining details or any mitigation exercises.”  
Atlee as always was quite mechanical in his voice and also with approach, her leaving had definitely not changed that. She decided to correct him right there before finding out anything more about what he had said.  
“Firstly, he isn’t my husband Atlee.” Waiting for the words to really sink in she saw him almost ignore what she had said.  
“And secondly, why are you here?” She quizzed.  
“Because the current head of the IMF knows that his star agent will not budge unless he knows that your safe. So I have been called upon by the Americans to do them this favour, and take you to a safe house.”  
And then it was all making sense.  
Benji and Luther were both unaware of this revelation, realising it must have happened only hours after they left.  
Ilsa looked away for minute, she didn’t exactly what to say because this is exactly what she feared. Ethan would disappear, and she would have to look after herself, like she always had.  
“I just have one request.” She spoke looking back at him, her crystal blue eyes shone transparency like never before.  
“Can you and Luther please leave the room so I can talk to Atlee privately.”  
Both Benji and Luther looked at each other, reluctant to leave they both told her that they will be outside when she needs them, while they both wanted to hurry and find out from Ethan what was happening. 

Having the room emptied she sat up slightly holding her stomach.  
“ I want to be at a location where only you have the information about my whereabouts. I do not want anyone else knowing of it. It will be your job to make it secure, and when I say that I mean even from Ethan or the boys here.”  
Atlee looked back at her, clearly seeing her in emotional pain while making that decision. He was being honest with himself when he said he wasn’t here for Ethan, he was here because he cared about Ilsa. He wanted to make sure that she was safe, not because they needed Ethan’s liability taken care of. He couldn’t comprehend how she had ended up in the hospital with his presence in the first place, or how was he still planning on carrying his lifestyle with a baby on the way. But all that could be discussed later, right now he needed to get Ilsa out.  
Atlee looked up from the floor, “I’ll get the hospital to start preparing you for a transfer.” And with that he left. 

Atlee looked up from the floor, “I’ll get the hospital to start preparing you for a transfer.” And with that he left. 

***  
Ilsa’s wasn’t exactly cleared to walk or leave but all that was not on her mind. She was gathering the few things she had, and had gotten dressed. Sitting on the bed she waited for her wheelchair, and maybe even for Ethan. At the very least she thought he would come to say goodbye. 

Feeling the next round of exhaustion coming over her she continued to wait for the door to open, and it did. Ethan stepped inside, closing it shut. His face looked in complete dilemma. 

Ilsa who was seated on her bed looked away. She felt conflicted to even see him at this stage, wishing that for once he drop everything for her and take her away. Was it selfish to want that; yes. But she knew he wouldn’t, call it his purity or his selflessness, she knew she would never rank. 

Ethan crouched down on his knees, and then slowly tilted her face to look at him. To really look at him.  
“Brandt flew down this afternoon, I can’t tell you the details but I’m sure you know what this is already about. I need to leave Ilsa, and it looks like you are about to go as well.”  
Ilsa felt a range of emotions come up inside her, “so this is it? This is goodbye. Because I want this to end Ethan, I can’t keep doing this with you. If anything it hasn’t happened at a better time.”  
Ethan interrupted her immediately.  
“I love you Ilsa.”  
And within seconds she lost her train of thought, everything around her came to a standstill. He wasn’t supposed to say that. How can he even say that when he didn’t mean it?  
He then saw her almost freeze, but said it again to make her realise that it was real.  
“I love you Ilsa Faust.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry everyone. I am still recovering, hence the delay on the chapter.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone,
> 
> Because I loved the movie so much I decided to continue the story in some way or form. For me Ilsa and Ethan's hinted relationship in this movie was so much more detailed and sketched out that I believe it was worthy to write about them. Also, because there isn't much fan fiction written about the two of them, I thought that why not start writing. I am sorry for the grammatical errors as well as editing issues that you may read. Please do leave me a comment if you like it so I can continue writing. I do have plans to write more chapters but your encouragement will help me write faster. 
> 
> Thank you and hope you enjoyed.


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